A Final Act
by Just a Wonderland
Summary: "I didn't think for a second I could have a life, now I'm here, I actually want to live. How did that happen?" A change in opinions can be life altering. Sequel to "Speare of Finality".
1. Chapter 1

_**AH. THIS IS EXCITING. The sequel to SOF. Cool right?! I'm so happy about this guys, I can't even explain how happy I am.**_

_**Right, so this is the first chapter, it's not super long, I know and my next chapters will be longer than 2,000 words. I promise. I've recently handed in my Summer Project, which I managed to complete. Shocking right? I 'm now available to continue writing everyday, since my wonderful writers block has left me as well. I am so ready to get working!**_

_**Thank you for everyone who read my other story "Speare of Finality."**_

_**OH. I really hope you like the new story title. Took me ages to come up with. I hate making titles, because I can never find something that completely intertwines with the story, you know?**_

_**Also. After I finish this story, or before, I don't know yet, well either way, I'm thinking of writing a new story. BUT. I don't know what to do it for. It's a competition between Transformers, The Walking Dead, The Hangover, Teen Wolf or The Avengers. So yes. Please help? Which would you prefer, or if there's another category you want me to a write a story for, then tell me. I'm up for anything.**_

_**Anyway. Enjoy this update. Review, favourite, message me. Whatever you want. Thank you!**_

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**Chapter 1: Four in a Morning**

I don't remember waking up that morning, I swear I went on auto-pilot just thinking, worrying about what would come once I walked into school, and John had already disappeared, so there was no one to bounce off ideas but myself. Would we all act chummy despite our social standings or would we walk the other way?

Even though I told them that I wouldn't, that I couldn't be friends with them, I don't think I could walk away, especially after that dream last night.

It was really weird, as far as dreams go, but it was almost a cliché. I don't know what to make of it. Instead of that impending darkness, there was colour everywhere, there was... my mother. She spoke to me, told me stories like she did when she was alive, and just at the end, before I crawled back awake, she told me I should have never given up friends, because without them I was a shell.

And so it got me thinking. Maybe I should be friends with other people, let them bare my pain with me. I was sceptic, I don't usually believe in visions of the dead, or messages across from heaven, but this felt real, and if it wasn't really my mum, then it was my subconscious that wanted me to be happy, even if it was limited.

It was my final act of life, so why not enjoy it, or be a little different. Like Shakespeare. I can always try. I don't know, I'm giving it a go for once, instead of shielding myself away.

So yeah, the dream was disconcerting, but the fact that today could go either way was even worse and thoughts about what could happen plagued me.

I went through the normal routine. Shower, face, breakfast, pills and teeth. Every morning. Always the same.

I was wearing my jeans from yesterday but I picked a pink cropped sweater and pale blue top for underneath as it peeked out the bottom. I put on some white high-tops and looked in the mirror. I looked normal. _Let's just hope today is normal._

Turning away, I grabbed my bag from the floor where I dropped it Saturday, and grabbed my keys. Making sure everything was off; I walked out and locked the door behind me. I waved towards because he was just getting back in from his morning post run, but what I really mean is he goes to the shop and grabs a newspaper. Nothing much and he most definitely does not run, I don't even think he can run honestly.

It's cold outside again, and I wish I brought a coat but I can't be bothered to turn back so I brace myself against the wind and walk slowly towards school. It was early anyway. School starts at about 9 and it's only just after half past 8 so I can afford to walk slowly this morning. I don't live far though, and I've already started walking across the field me and John did the other day.

I seriously can't stop thinking, all the possibilities that could happen today. It could turn into a war, between us, logically, there is obviously going to be 2 of us that wants to continue the new found friendship but, that doesn't guarantee that everything will be ok.

I don't even know what to do. I'm still unsure. I want to try but I'm scared of the final part. That's alright though isn't it? That I ignore them so I don't hurt them more in the end? Is that even justified?

Probably not.

I would have started hyperventilating over my thoughts but since I was already in school, or standing across from it, I don't think it was the best place to have a mass panic attack. I could be wrong, though I doubt I am because it would also mean other students, people I don't even know, watching me through their stupid beady eyes. Judging me for something they know nothing about.

Either way, as I walk across the road to the steps of Shermer High, I see someone familiar. Brian.

He looks out of place, standing in a crowd of people who know nothing, people who don't want to notice him and I feel sorry for him. His eyes are darting everywhere, searching faces, but not making direct eye contact. _He's waiting for the others and I to show up, probably thinking we'll ignore him completely. But do I want to?_

I don't have time to answer properly, not to myself at least, as all thoughts cease to exist as Brian catches my eyes. His blue eyes meet mine in frenzy and I can see all the emotions flitter across his face. He looks hopeful, and his arm is half way up before he hesitates, then drops his arm remorsefully. It takes me a moment to realise he much think that I didn't want to speak to him, that my frozen figure is because I had hoped it was a only a dream. It's not though, and I struggle to form his name because my mouth turns dry as he turns to some kid next to him - one of his club members by the looks of it.

Glancing around I see people I've known for years, people who don't care about me, people who pick on others for the fun of it. Pick on people like Brian. And it's then I come to my decision.

"Hey Brian!"

My voice is loud, it's strong and friendly, and it makes people turn to see who shouted, and they look in disbelief as I walk calmly over to Brian, who's frozen just as I was before, his back towards me. The kid he was talking to is floundering as I step closer, wrapping my arm around Brian's shoulders.

"Hey."

My voice is softer now; I know I have his attention as he turns to me slightly. I don't expect there to be a smile on his face, but there is and let me tell you, his smile is blinding.

I squeeze his shoulders tighter, as we move up the steps towards school, ignoring everyone around us, only focusing on each other and our new found friendship. It feels nice being close to someone, to be a friend.

Brian's stuttering over his words as he speaks, but it's adorable because he explains he's only doing it because he's happy and really surprised.

"I thought... I don't know... I just thought you'd ignore me... This is... Alka... Thank you."

"It's alright Brian; you don't need to thank me."

"Maybe not, but, it's just polite to say that isn't it?"

"Really Brian? Only doing it to be polite. My goodness, manners you have yet no one else does."

I chuckle at him, but only jokingly which I'm thankful he gets. My arm is still around his shoulders, drawing him into me, as we walk, and it's not long before we reach his locker, which is completely wrecked.

"Woah. Brian is that from that thing you mentioned?"

He looks sheepish, and he's blushing, but he does nod to my question before speaking quietly to me.

"It ruined everything I had in there, and now I have to leave my bag in home room, or one just carry it around everywhere along with all my books."

"I have an idea. How about you use my locker? I don't have much in there; I cleaned it out last week."

"You'd let me use your locker?"

"Sure, you don't mind sharing do you?"

"No... No.. Of course not. I just can't believe your even suggesting it."

"Why? Do I come off mean or something?"

Even though it's said impassively, I'm not really joking. I really hope I'm not coming across mean towards him. That would be the worst because, Brian's really sweet, in the nerdy way, and I don't want to be mean to him like everyone else is. While I'm freaking out in my head, I almost miss his response entirely.

"No. You don't come off mean, I just meant that we don't know each other very well and you're letting me share a locker with you. No one would ever offer that to me."

"Well, with sharing a locker, we're bound to get to know each other more, right?"

"Yeah, you're right."

Moving away from his locker, we come to mine, which I quickly open, telling Brian the combination- 7437- and letting him put whatever he needs in there, before we continue down the hallway slowly, watching as people stare at us funny.

"You see any of the others before I got here?"

My question catches Brian off guard, but he doesn't need to answer as right in front of us, with a bunch of jocks, is Andy. He doesn't see us at first, but when he glances up, he smiles without hesitation. Brian and I can see from where we are that the guys around him are wondering why he's smiling, and who is it at but he ignores them in favour to walking across to us and away from them.

"Hey guys."

Neither me nor Brian say anything; just stare at him which makes him fidget slightly under our gazes. I snap out of it and blink a couple times before answering.

"Well if it isn't Andy. What brings you here jockstrap?"

"Ha ha, real funny. Just 'cause your Bender's girl, don't mean you got to call me that."

"Oh got some bite?"

We both chuckle to that, and turn to face Brian, as he's the only one who hasn't said anything, but he's still gazing at Andy, so I nudge him which makes him jump in panic.

"Brian!"

"Oh... Sorry... For staring, I just... I wasn't expecting this."

Andy doesn't answer straight away, and he seems to gulp and let his eyes roam the halls before he can even think to put his words together.

"I had to prove you all wrong didn't I? Never hear the end of it from Bender."

It's strange as we speak to one another, just us 3 standing in the hall while popular kids all walk past staring like we're aliens. Everyone around us whispers, there is glares aimed at us, and threats are jeered towards us, but none of us react. There is a tightening of the jaw from Andy, and a weak whimper from Brian, and me, who just glares in return to anything vulgar but other than that, we don't say anything to them, we just talk as if we do it every day. It doesn't even feel awkward between us as we spoke about our weekends, and it's not long before we come across the subject of the others.

"Have you seen anyone else? I asked Brian, but you didn't answer that, so have either of you? I haven't. First one I saw was Brian."

Andy's the first to answer me, saying how he'd only seen Claire in passing, but she was going into the bathroom and he didn't bother to wait for her. Brian says he didn't see anyone while he was waiting outside for us to turn up.

"So either they are somewhere not close, not coming in, or plain avoiding us. What do you guys think? Avoidance? Or maybe no one can find us."

"Who's avoiding?"

I jump wildly at the unexpected voice of Allison. And I spin around with a hand over my heart, glaring at the girl who looks at me with a complete straight face as I start yammering at her for scaring me, while the boys in the background laugh. Even as I speak, I look over Ally and see she's got her fringe pushed back like she did on Saturday, but she was wearing her black clothes like normal, which made me happy because that means Claire didn't change her like I thought she might.

"Allison... Ally... How dare you make my heart jump from my chest? I still need that thing you know?! So mean. And you two quit your laughing. You are attracting unwanted attention."

At my last remark, we all shift our eyes towards the eyes piercing into us. It's like they're coming from everywhere, and I would shiver but in my mind that's like saying they've won. _Won what? I don't know but they'd have won something._

I'm still looking around at everyone, as the others start a conversation, mostly asking Allison what she did, to which she explains she was doing art. _Why am I not surprised?_

I just open my mouth when the bell goes for home room. I sigh before looking to the others. Ally and I are in the same home room, it's the same room we have art together in, so we can walk together, but Brian and Andy have separate rooms. I don't know if they are with either John or Claire, and I don't ask, I just tell them to meet us by Brian's destroyed locker since we can all see if from a mile back, before I grab Allison's arm to drag her away. We don't make it far before Andy pulls Allison back and kisses her cheek sweetly. _Aw, such a good couple._

Shaking my head at them, I share a smile with Brian before taking Ally's arm again, and drag her to homeroom, but not before asking in the most serious voice I could muster.

"What do you think the others will say when I sit next to you?"

Ally doesn't say anything, she only squeaks violently, and moves her hands all over the place.

"Yeah, I thought so too."

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_**So there you have it. I hope you liked it, no loved it! I'll try and update weekly now, since I have more time, but I can't promise you anything. I will try my hardest. OH. Tell me what you think, yeah? (: **_

_**(Just randomly, I'm getting my GCSE results back next week. SO HAPPY.)**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**I know. I said I was going to try and update weekly, and after this chapter, I will, but I just felt bad about giving you a short chapter, not that this is much longer but it give you the other half of the meetup thingy.**_

_**Thank you for the reviews and favourites/follows so far. Keep with them. I love knowing what you think about my story. This is an especially big deal because this is not from a script, it's all my own and I am so self conscious of it it's unbelievable.**_

_**So, I'll be posting a new chapter Thursday or Saturday next week. Probably. Since I have more time, I should be able to get it done, so don' worry about that.**_

_**Anyway, hope you enjoy the newest chapter. This is my favourite at the moment. I got way into it. Aufwierdersehen.**_

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**Chapter 2: A Seesaw**

All through homeroom, Ally and I had the strangest looks directed at us. It made Ally duck her head like she usually did and I switched between glaring, and looking at my desk in submission. Even though I didn't like the looks, glaring would only attract more attention than I need. I still don't want people to know my secret, its bad enough John does, and although it's not my main priority right now, it's a close second.

I didn't really listen in homeroom, it wasn't anything important anyway, it was just road call and some notice announcements, but I didn't need to listen to them because it was usually about a club, and I wasn't in any of them.

It wasn't until my name was called did I tune in to listen. But it wasn't the teacher, it was a girl. A girl I didn't really know, I mean I'd seen her around but I didn't know her name, and it made me frown in confusion. _How does she know my name? Better yet, why the hell is she speaking to me?_

"So, Alka, that's your name right?" She didn't actually give me time to respond before her light toned voice spoke again, "Why were you walking with that nerd this morning? And why are you sitting next to the mental chick?"

_Did she seriously just say that to me? I don't fucking care who she is, but she does not get to say that to anyone, no matter how different they may appear to be. Also, why does she even care about who I spend my time with, she doesn't know me. Sure, she knows my name, but she doesn't know who I am so she doesn't get to ask me that. Such a bitch. Tell her then, tell her exactly what you are thinking, who cares if it draws attention. You stand up for friends, don't you? _

Faintly, in the background I could hear the bell chiming, signalling first lesson, and I could feel Ally tugging my sleeve slightly, I could even hear the other people in the class whispering about how I was going to start crying. It didn't happen.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?"

My voice didn't sound sorry; I think there was amusement leaking out of it instead. My words and perhaps tone, made the girl in front of me splutter, but she quickly regained herself and stuck her nose in the air.

"I just thought you should know that hanging with those losers is stupid, and no one is going to notice you and want to be your friend because of it. You're a nobody, no matter who you hang out with. And now, you're a loser as well."

Everyone around seemed to hold their breaths at my response, even Ally had stopped tugging my sleeve, but she never let go, instead she held my sleeve in an iron lock. I was kind of glad for her grip, it seemed to ground me.

"Oh, well that's not quite right is it? You've noticed me. However, I'm not trying to get attention, popular to what you believe; I rather like Brian and Allison. I'm happy to be a loser rather than a bitch who tries to break people down with her words. So, let me give you some advice _honey_." I paused for dramatic effect, and rose to my full height, which made me tower over her, "I suggest you stop bullying whoever you fancy, or trying to bully, because no one likes that sort of thing. It isn't funny, you aren't funny. So be a good girl and kindly fuck off and don't tell me who I am. Thank you."

I smile sweetly at her, before grabbing my bag, and Ally's hand. I shrug at the teacher on the way past her desk, and calmly step through the door.

No one was around for the most part, probably because the bell had run a little while ago. I stopped walking and turned to Ally who was looking at me dumb struck.

"What class do you have next?"

She didn't answer, she squeaked, so I took that as 'not what you have' and patted her on the shoulder before walking away and shouting back at her.

"I have math. See you at break Ally-pop!"

I didn't wait around to see if she replied, I just walked towards the math department, and hoped I wasn't too late. Luck wasn't on my side. _Damn. As soon as I get friends, I'm suddenly late, and getting into 'fights'. I mean yeah, I do some mildly bad things that get me detention, but never do I get noticed by the student body, and I am never late to class. Fuck._

I gather my wits as I step into class. Every eye turns on me, and I really wish I was exaggerating but alas, I'm not. From looking around the room, I find Brian in my class. I didn't know he was in my maths; then again, I sit on my own and don't pay attention to anyone but my work. I smile over at him, before I look back to the teacher who is looking at me expectantly. So I sigh and speak with dread.

"I'm sorry I'm late ."

"And why are you late Alka? You never usually are."

"Do you really want to hear it, it's nothing fascinating sir, and I'd rather get on with some math. No? Ok, bad suggestion." Coughing slightly, I rub my throat as I speak. "I was having a verbal fight with someone in my homeroom."

He doesn't say anything, just rolls his eyes –rude- and points towards my seat, which I make my way over to, all the while smirking.

Maths is boring. We're going over revision material because our exams are not that far away now. I'd rather be learning something new opposed to something I already know, but I guess that they want to make sure we know everything so we don't fail our tests, because I'm pretty sure the teachers do not want to hold us back a year.

_Urgh, even though I think math is boring, I'm thinking about the subject! I seriously need better thought patterns because they are getting so old. Then again, what else is there to think about, other than the dreaded, what will happen next thing? _

What will happen next? I sure don't know, and I'm unsure on whether I want to find out. I mean, there are 4 of us together so far, we've chatted and acted like friends despite the constant staring we seem to receive, but that was to be expected from the single minded baboons. I don't know where John is, he's probably avoiding us or something similar. I can't believe I even let him make me think he was going to hang out with us, with me. Better not get ahead of myself though; he could just be coming in later or something. But, if that is the case, what about Claire? I am not fooling myself to believe she's going to hang out with us because she even said she wouldn't. I know I did, but I have proved that my statement was wrong, and I'm happy to be seen with them, but Claire, she's probably worried about her image and what her 'friends' will say about her rather than actually finding good friends that she can count on.

_Woah, I have seriously changed my tune. Am I ready for this?_

The answer to that thought is unknown, but I'm going to have to be because it's not fair to them if I back out.

Anyway, Claire, yeah, I doubt she'll stick with us, and if she does, it won't be for long. Though, I was surprised about Andy, I really didn't think he would so blatantly ignore his wrestler mates and talk to us. Talk about a shock. I'm happy he did come over though, because I'm happy he's actually letting Allison have a chance to be with him, rather than him just ignore her in favour of popularity.

I'm not entirely surprised about Ally and Brian because they admitted they wouldn't do that, and it's nice to know they weren't just playing around or something.

John. That's who I'm worried about rather than Claire because if he does ignore me I am going to break, because that is the first time I have ever opened myself up and told someone that I'm dying. Maybe it wasn't the best idea since I hadn't known John for long, and I didn't know if he was joking me around but he seemed genuine, and he knew me from before. He remembered me from before. I guess the only thing I can do is wait till he shows up, and hope he doesn't leave me alone.

_I swear I sound desperate. Maybe I'm so starved of affection I've become desperate for any kind of social touch. What? It could be possible._

Sitting at the back of the class has its advantages, for one, I can get away with daydreaming or thinking for the whole lesson like I am now, and two, he hardly ever picks on people at the back. Or maybe he doesn't make me answer questions because he knows I know the answer, maybe he knows I'm like super smart. That'd be the day.

Drifting away in my head is easy, and it's much better than the material world. In my head I can be whatever I want to be. I can be a dancer, or an artist. Or maybe even a photographer! But outside my head I have to prepare for my last breath, and that's something no person should ever have to do because no matter what you do, in the end there will be something you wished you had done but also something you regretted. It's how we humans are, at the end of life, you question your meaning, and if what you did was enough. I don't think anyone's ever gotten an answer. But maybe I will get..._Wait a second... I'm being poked._

Crawling back out of my head, from where I had burrowed myself in, I see the teacher in front of me, but it's not my Math teacher, no. It's my homeroom teacher. _Oh fuck._

"May I speak to you outside Alka? Bring your bag; it's nearly the end of the lesson."

I don't say anything, just nod at her and pack my belongings away before handing my roughly done work and stalking out the room.

I can't bring myself to look at because I know she'll have that classic 'I'm disappointed in you' look. It always got to me; it reminded me of my father too much. Not that she looked like a man; it was just the way her look was directed solely on me.

"Alka... What happened? You're always so quiet."

"Well maybe I was sick of her saying stuff that shouldn't be said."

"Everyone is entitled to their opinion."

"Yeah? Well that's my opinion. She shouldn't have said any of that; she picked on them for no reason. On me. She's so far up her own arse she can't see right from wrong..."

" !"

"It's true, I'm not going to apologise for stating my opinion miss."

"A little less of the vulgar language and it's perfectly..."

Suddenly, it's like I've walked into a tunnel, as her voice gradually fades until I don't hear anything else she's sprouting, all I feel is a familiar pound in my head, getting steadily faster as the seconds pass. The urge to vomit isn't far behind. And just like that, I know I'm doomed.

_God no! No. Calm down. Calm down Alka. You are completely fine. Just stay still, don't vomit. Suck it back up. Push the headache away. Get rid of it. It's easy. Go. Please go. Oh. This is worse than last time. What's that tingling sensation? Is... Is that my arm? I can't feel it! What?! Oh God, calm down. Don't freak out. Don't puke. Don't pass out. Just calm down. You can do it, it's easy. Forget the pain. Forget. Shhh. What's that noise? Bell. Bell! It's the bell! Omg. Run._

"Ahh, sorry miss, time for class. Bye!"

I've already starting running away from her half way through my sentence, so I don't know if she heard me but I don't care as I race down the hallways, bumping into others, and dodging some. When I finally get to the library, I race towards the bathroom, quickly lock the door and puke my guts out right in the sink. _Ew. Well, it's the next best thing._

I just keep vomiting, it's only acid coming up, and not before long, there's blood coming too. I know there are tears running down my face, like little rivers because it hurts. It burns, and when it finally stops I do nothing but pant heavily, trying to fight the weak feeling I have brewing inside of me.

I don't look in the mirror this time because I know I'll find a sweaty pale girl staring lifelessly back and I just can't handle it right now. I don't want to handle. Because it's real. And it's only just hitting me.

There's no way out. I'll be 6 feet under soon and no one can do anything thing about it.

I've already started the pity party. I hate the pity party. I hate pitying myself but I can't help it as I ask that stupid question. The question that everyone asks, but no one ever gets the answer they want.

"Why me?"

And I scream it, scream myself hoarse in the sanctuary of the library bathroom, hoping that no one can hear me way in here.

There's blood pounding in my ears as I try to catch my breath. But that question is still ringing in my head. My headaches making me wince. And I feel the strong urge to vomit, so I jump towards a stall and choke on the acid but still, that question, it's there, right in front of me. Why me?

I never asked for this, I know no one ever did but why do I have to go through this? Why do I have to suffer, and watch as I wilt away while others bloom? It's not fair. When my mother died, that wasn't fair, then my dad leaving me to deal with an illness I didn't even understand, that was anything but fair, and now, me, I'm dying every day. It isn't fair. Nothing was ever fair.

I've come to terms with dying. I know I have to die. Life begins and then it ends. That's just how it is but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I want longer. Is that so selfish? I've hardly had a life. I have a limited amount of months and it's not enough. There's still so much I want to do.

I'm lying on the floor now, by the toilet because I can't bring myself to stand up. I still feel weak, and the pity party isn't helping. I feel tingly everywhere now, and I can only hope it disappears or something because I'm honest to God scared.

I don't think I've ever really been scared of my illness, not truly anyway. But right now, knowing that I could lose feeling in any part of my body, that my brain could stop working at a second, is making me cry. I want my mum. But she isn't here and my dad, he's gone. Why is no one here?!

I just want someone. I need someone.

I don't know how long I lie there for; I'm so numb I don't hear if the bell has gone for break, or even the next lesson. I just lie there, crying over my horribly short life and thinking of the memories I cherished the most.

My memories are short, and I finally start to feel again. The ache of my joints from lying curled up on a ceramic floor, the pain swarming my head with a slight harsh ringing, the horrible burning feeling that travels down my throat.

I force myself to get up, to stop crying, and to suck everything back up because it's not helping. I need to live my life, try and accomplish something, anything that will make me feel happy. Maybe that's all I needed, happiness rather than just surviving.

I flush the toilet before heading towards the sink, I grimace at the mess, and it's drying up so I run the water and get some paper towels before I rub off the mess I made. I feel like vomiting but I just swallow it down because it's different this time, I don't want to vomit because of my head, I want to be sick at the sight of my own vomit. _Lovely indeed._

After I've scrubbed it off, I drink some water from the tap, rinsing my mouth thoroughly, trying to get rid of the God awful taste. It doesn't work so well, but I have some gum in my bag so I take a stick a chew.

While chewing, I finally look in the mirror to see what the damage is from crying. My eyes are red and swollen, puffy looking really, and I cringe at the sight. Everyone will see them. Maybe I have some shades in my bag. I riffle through it, before I come up with my Aviators.

I slide them on, run my hand through my hair, and check the time.

_Oh shit. It's nearly Lunch. Oh shit. Oh shit. I am so dead. OH. Man. I missed break with the others. Bugger all._

I don't have time to continue my thoughts as the bell for Lunch sounds. There's nothing I can do about it now, and I've done this before, granted I managed to pass it off as some stomach bug and go home, but I'm sure I look ill enough as it is.

Unlocking the door, I peer out, searching for any students, before I speed walk to the library emergency exit, which leads to the fields.

There are already people out mucking about, tossing a football around, prancing about and such, so no one really notices me as I make my way across and to my locker.

It's hectic inside. There is whispering and gossip flying from everywhere, and I only manage to catch snippets.

"Did you see them together? So weird."

"How do they even know each other? I mean, who would want to hang out with him?"

"Can you believe Claire?"

"All 5of them are losers."

It's the last 2 that strike me as odd, but as I make my way to my locker I find out what the gossip was really about, and I can't help but feel stupid because I should have known it was about them. All of them. Brian, Ally, Andy, John... Claire.

There they are, standing casually, talking to each other like they've known each other their whole lives.

Each expression they hold is different. Brian's face is shining, he looks happy. No, it's more than that; he's over the moon to be talking to them. Claire's face has interest deeply woven into it; she looks happy nodding and making small comments here and there. But the thing that gets me is, she doesn't look fake. Ally is smirking, and I can see the jumping about she does as she squeaks her answers, while Andy, he's just staring at Ally with a smile on his face, his eyes are lighter than I've ever seen them, and he's talking animatedly to everyone, even though his eyes never stray too far from Ally-pop. John's face doesn't show much, less than the others, he's got a glint in his eye, like he's disappointed, but then he catches my eye, and they change. You wouldn't notice if you didn't want closely like I did, but they light up ever so slightly, as he smirks and winks in my direction, making the other 4 look over at me.

I don't move. There's a little voice in my head saying I should move but I can't make my body work. It's like I've frozen, almost like this morning but different because I'm debating if I really want to do this. Until today, I hadn't really thought about fairness and how long I really have, but now I have, do I really want to put them through that just to gain happiness myself?

I keep changing my mind. It's like a God damn seesaw. One minute I need them. Then the next I'm hesitating to even be with them.

I don't know what to do. I need to give them a solid answer, a solid action because I can't do this to them. It isn't fair.

_There's that word again. Fair. What's fair and what's not? Don't they deserve a chance to be my friend, to be there for me? Or do I just forget about them and hope when I die they don't grieve?_

Everything's slowing down, and I'm still standing there, staring at them, contemplating about what I should do, what choices I have. Their faces have shifted by now, they look confused, hurt even.

I look at the ground, before I turn away slowly, retracing my steps till I get to the Nurse's room.

No one stops me as I walk from school. No one notices, I hardly notice but I take a long even glance back to see the 5 of them, looking over me, but the only person who seems to have a knowing look in his eyes is John.

But they don't stop me, and I disappear across the road, and out of sight.

* * *

_**So there you have it. Leave a review or something. Thanks for reading dear followers. *smirks***_


	3. Author's Note

**_Hi. Yeah. Hey. Hello._**

**_Right, now that's out of the way, I can start with the real reason for this Author's Note. Okay. Well, I know I haven' updated when I said I would, and I am really sorry about that but I just haven't had the time to even finish chapter 3. That's bad, I know, and I feel horrible but I will eventually get there, I just have to put a pause on this story for a while. Not too long hopefully._**

**_Reasons being is because I'm starting college soon, can't wait either, but I'm having to sort all this stuff out from my old school. It's seriously stressing me out because I need something from my teachers, for college otherwise I can kiss goodbye to doing Art. Which sucks. So yeah, I'm working on that problem._**

**_Also, I'm trying to find a good camera for photography, since I haven't bought one yet, and I'm searching every shop known to man to find one I want, that I can actually afford._**

**_Oh. And I'm trying to get a job, which you probably know is really hard these days._**

**_So, I'm really sorry for not updating. And breaking my promise of updating sooner rather than later. But, I can say that I will be working on writing the story, I just won't be able to update for a few weeks. Though, to make up for it, I will update quicker, since I will have more chapter ready to show then._**

**_Thank you for the support and all guys, and I really am sorry about having to put this story on hold. It's crushing to me because this is literally my own creation. BUT. I'll come back, it won't be long._**

**_You're all seriously amazing, thanks again! (:_**


	4. Chapter 3

_**Fudge apple sauce. I'm really sorry to update so late, and with so little. This chapter sucks ass, and I really am sorry about the quantity but dudes, college is time consuming. I am literally swamped with homework and it's like the second week. I promise to get another chapter done as soon as I can, don't forget meh. **_

_**Thank you for all the follows and things, OH, and please continue to review and stuff, I like to hear from you.**_

_**So yes, enjoy my little chapter. We'll call it a filler chapter for now, until I can fully concentrate on a full ass chapter. Cool. Thanks!**_

* * *

**Chapter 3: Serious Talks**

It doesn't take long to get home, and I really wish it did sometimes because then I would have a longer walk to fill my head with thoughts as I move, even though I have a terrible consuming headache, a long walk would have been nice.

But it's far too cold to walk a long distance, so instead I just head to my apartment and maybe curl up in my covers pretending that the world isn't real, and everything is just one bad dream.

_Don't even try and fool yourself. It really won't work._

It didn't. Curled up like a baby, nuzzled under my bed covers does not help me in the slightest. Really, all it gives me is a pathetic conclusion. That I, Alka Speare, am just a coward, but I like to think with good reasons.

Good reasons that may not have a good outcome, but good reasons none the less.

Truthfully I don't know why I ran from them, but at the same time I do. In a way I suppose. It starts with the fact that I'm dying, and I know most dying people don't want to be alone; they want someone to hold them and tell them that everything will be ok, but even though I want that, I could never let someone do that for me. Because when I'm dead, the people who loved me, took care of me, would be alone, and left with the crushing guilt that everything wasn't ok, and nothing could have saved me.

But I want people to be with me, to talk to me, and help me live out my days. You know what I mean? Like, my mother always told me that things are more fun with other people, so maybe I should let people try.

But I just don't know. I can't help but feel that, if people knew what I was going through, they would either acknowledge my fate to an overbearing point, or they wouldn't at all because they didn't want to know.

Either of them isn't really what I want. I want people to hear me when I scream, but not to worry, I want them comfort me but not cry, and I want them to be there, but not smother me. I know, it's a lot to ask because no matter what, if people really cared about me, then they would always worry.

I'm stupid, lying in bed, crying over this, but I just can't stop.

_No, no. Get up. Get up._

It takes me a lot to get up, but I stand there, with tears running down my face. I'm a mess. I need someone to talk to. Someone who isn't John, or the others, or a nurse, or even my social worker. I just need someone different.

_Carl._

It doesn't take me long to find his house, I remember my mum coming over here, visiting him and his wife, while my dad was at work.

•••

_It was a Saturday, the last day they really saw her. I don't remember it vividly, but sometimes, I see fragments, and sometimes I see blankness. This memory comes to me in waves, sometimes it's faded and other times it's clearer than ever._

_My mum hadn't seen Carl and Denise in a long time, my dad didn't really like coming over here, but I never really knew why. Maybe he was too good for these kinds of people. Either way I don't care to know anymore._

_I never got to know Denise and Carl, not properly, I was too shy, and to studious to even comprehend that they weren't going to make fun of me. But my mum was good friends with them, and she always smiled at them._

_I loved her smile. It was always so bright, never half way, it was always complete. I miss it sometimes, I miss her._

•••

The memory fades gradually as I walk up the path, and as I do, I see him opening the door, pausing as he sees me, standing there, shaking. He gestures me inside. I go without complaint.

Inside is how I remembered it all those years ago, it's nice. Makes me feel familiar with myself, like there was a missing piece to me.

Carl's walking me to the sitting room, and it's a cosy place. Full of warm colours, and bulked out furniture. And Denise. She's sitting there with a cup of tea, which she immediately puts down as I come into view. It doesn't take long for her to rush over and hug me. It reminds me of my mother, and I start sobbing, crying that I'm sorry. Because I am sorry.

I'm just not entirely sure what I'm apologising for.

We stand there for ages, or at least it feels that way, until I'm exhausted from crying. Denise pulls away from me, and leads me to the sofa, as I hiccup and blub every once in a while.

It's silent, apart from the ticking off the clock that sits in the corner, and I can see Denise gesturing for Carl to go, which he fights before kissing her forehead, and surprisingly mine.

He doesn't wait for a response, before he's gone.

It takes everything in me to look Denise in the eyes because I feel like a child, sitting in front of her, crying as if I had skinned my knee and I wish it was that simple. She's patient with me, rubbing up and down my back, allowing me to calm down before I can even think to speak.

Eventually, I grab my bearings and open my mouth, and though my voice is rough, sadness swirls between the gaps.

"I can't do it."

"Do what, dear?"

"Live."

She doesn't say anything; she only stares sadly at me, as I break apart in front of her. But she doesn't have to say anything, I don't really give her time as I begin to explain, explain my situation as best I could without being heartless.

"You know, don't you?"

"Know what?"

I know she knows, I don't need to say it, and she doesn't either. We both just know, so instead of asking the blatant question, I just let the bottled emotions pour from my mouth. Little by little, I get quieter and quieter until there is nothing but a whisper running from my mouth.

"I thought I could handle people, like, I would make friends and they would support me but I can't make myself do that. Every time I think about being someone's friend, I just freeze and blank them, and I shouldn't do that. It hurts them. But, I always think that, when I die, what will happen to them? Yeah, maybe they will move on pretty easy, but what if they don't? There's this chance that I would just destroy them and I can't do it. I can't chance it. I just don't want to live to hurt another. I'm selfish though, because I really want friends, I want John, and Andy and Brian, and Ally and fuck, even Claire but, I'm dying. I'm really dying. I can't give them false hope, I can't tell them that it's okay because it isn't. It just isn't this time around."

Denise is silent for a long time, before she finally shift me closer to her, wrapping her arms around me tightly, giving me the comfort I never knew I really craved, and speaks slowly, her voice begging me to understand.

"Alka, dear, I know you want what is best for them, and I know it's hard for you to trust after all that's happened, but perhaps you should trust this group. Life is about taking chances, and if yours is coming to an end soon, then you should take that chance rather than look back cursing yourself for never making that leap. I know you are scared, anyone would be in your situation, and you are such a brave woman for doing this, all alone but there are people willing to be friends with you. You'll be surprised at how many of them will help you, and not treat you any different. I can't make you let them in, but, life is short, yours is painfully so, and everyone deserves a chance but you have to be willing to."

"What if they hate me?"

"Now why would they hate you, Alka, if they really are your friends, then they would stick by you. You don't have to tell them straight away, but, just see how it goes. See if you can trust them and if you can, be happy with them, enjoy the things you may never get to do again."

"John already knows."

"John Bender?"

Carl's voice makes me jump, to which he gives me an apologetic look, before he gives me a look urging to continue.

"Yeah, he asked and I just needed to tell someone. Anyone and he was so nice to me, he told me he wouldn't leave me. I mean, Bender, of all people told me that it would be alright."

"Are we talking about the same kid?"

"Carl!"

My voice is shrill, but this banter, it makes me feel safe, and I feel like I have a family in a comforting sense. But I miss my parents, and I wish my parents were both here, telling me that they would never leave me, and I could always come to them if I needed to. But they aren't here. They never would be.

The two adults seem to sense my mood change because Carl rests his hand on my head, as Denise rubs my back, and he clears his throat to speak.

"You're mum would be proud of you Alka."

"What about my dad then?"

They never did answer that question, because they moved on to safer subjects, and I have dinner round their house and I feel happy, really happy for the first time since I was diagnosed again. We joke, and laugh, and reminisce about my mum, and I don't feel so sad, talking about her to people who knew her, and I mean really knew her.

When it's too late to stay, Carl drives me home, and makes me promise to come round for tea everything week at some point. I don't even try to disagree or get out of it because, I actually want to, I'm looking forward to spending time with them because they really are great people and I'm happy that I still have a connection with my mum.

The last thing Carl says to me, before I leave the car is:

"Make it up to them tomorrow, yeah? It would do you a world of good."

I spend the whole night thinking through them words, and come to the biggest decision I've made concerning these kinds of situations.

I would be their friend, and I would never give up.

* * *

_**Chapter 3 DONE. Sorta. Ish. Next one will be way longer, and more than 2,000 words because to me, its a pitiful chapter. So sorry. Thank again for reading, and I hope you liked it. Despite.. stuff (:**_


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